Therapist Florentine d'Aulnois-Wang said the common requirement to love oneself before loving others can create a double penalty for some individuals [1].

This perspective challenges a widespread psychological narrative that suggests emotional independence is a prerequisite for healthy relationships. By reframing self-love as a result rather than a requirement, d'Aulnois-Wang suggests that external affection can serve as the primary tool for internal healing.

According to d'Aulnois-Wang, the pressure to achieve self-love first can be harmful to those who already struggle with their self-perception [1]. This creates a cycle where individuals feel unworthy of love because they cannot love themselves, which in turn prevents them from seeking the very support that could help them improve their self-esteem.

She said that receiving love from others can actually help a person build their own self-love [1]. In this model, the experience of being valued by another person provides the necessary evidence and security for an individual to begin valuing themselves.

Based in Orgeval, Yvelines, France, d'Aulnois-Wang has practiced in the region for approximately 20 years [2]. She is 50 years old [2]. Her approach emphasizes that love is not a static state, but something that is constructed over time through interaction and support [2].

This shift in focus moves away from the idea of the "perfectly healed" individual entering a relationship. Instead, it posits that the act of being loved is a therapeutic process in its own right — one that can bridge the gap for those unable to find internal validation on their own.

“The injunction to love oneself before loving others can become a double penalty.”

This approach contradicts the 'self-sufficiency' model of mental health, suggesting that human connection is a requirement for healing rather than a reward for it. By arguing that external validation can precede internal acceptance, d'Aulnois-Wang highlights the role of social support systems in overcoming chronic low self-esteem.